ON PEOPLE PLEASING
Why the Scourge of Our Generation Is Really a Trauma Response
People-pleasing is often misunderstood.
We imagine it as kindness, generosity, being easygoing, being “good with people,” being adaptable.
But the truth is quieter and far more painful:
People-pleasing isn’t a personality trait.
It’s a survival strategy.
It begins in childhood, long before the first boundary is violated, long before the first friendship feels one-sided, long before adulthood turns you into someone who overthinks every message, every tone, every shift.
People-pleasing is what happens when a child learns:
approval is conditional
conflict is dangerous
love must be earned
needs make you a burden
being yourself puts connection at risk
So the child learns to shape-shift, not out of manipulation, but out of fear.
And the adult they become pays the price.
Where People-Pleasing Begins
People-pleasers are rarely born.
They are built.
Built in households where one or both parents:
were unpredictable
needed managing
were emotionally fragile
centred their own mood above the child’s needs
used guilt, silence, or disappointment as control
never asked how you felt, only how you performed
In those families, the child becomes the stabiliser.
The appeaser.
The emotional barometer.
The one who adapts to prevent an explosion.
People-pleasing is not about wanting to be liked.
It’s about not feeling safe when someone isn’t.
How People-Pleasing Shows Up at Work
People-pleasers are often high-achieving, respected, “go-to” employees but internally:
They take on too much.
They rarely push back.
They become the unofficial therapist of the team.
They feel guilty for resting, sick days, or boundaries.
They panic over a short email or a change in tone.
They overwork to avoid disappointing anyone.
Their professionalism is applauded.
Their burnout is invisible.
Because everyone benefits from a people-pleaser, until the people-pleaser collapses.
How People-Pleasing Shows Up in Friendships
People-pleasers are the friends who:
listen endlessly but rarely share
apologise before speaking
agree to plans they don’t want
forgive too quickly
tolerate imbalance
feel responsible for everyone’s comfort
They fear being “too much,” so they stay small and quiet. God forbid they burden anyone.
They become mirrors rather than people.
And then wonder why no one really knows them.
How People-Pleasing Shows Up in Relationships
In love, people-pleasers often attach to avoidant, self-focused or emotionally inconsistent partners because:
they are conditioned to earn affection
they normalise doing the emotional labour
they confuse intensity with intimacy
they mistake anxiety for chemistry
they prioritise the other person’s needs over their own
they work to “fix” relational ruptures within minutes
they stay long after the relationship has ended emotionally
Their fear isn’t being alone - it’s being unchosen.
And so they over-function in an attempt to become irreplaceable.
The Core Wound of the People-Pleaser
The root is always the same:
“If I disappoint you, you will withdraw love.”
This fear runs every behaviour:
overthinking messages
anticipating needs
smoothing over conflict
keeping opinions quiet
tolerating disrespect
working twice as hard
never asking for help
micromanaging how others perceive you
The people-pleaser is not trying to be perfect. They’re trying to be safe.
Why It’s So Hard to Stop
Because people-pleasing works - at first.
It prevents conflict.
It creates harmony.
It brings praise.
It earns approval.
It avoids shame.
It keeps the peace.
But it also creates:
resentment
exhaustion
identity loss
anxiety
emotional invisibility
relationships built on performance
chronic loneliness
People-pleasing is a soft mask for a hard wound.
How to Loosen Its Grip
You don’t heal people-pleasing by becoming “less nice.”
You heal it by becoming more honest.
The work is emotional, not behavioural:
1. Sit with the guilt
Guilt is a withdrawal symptom from a life of self-abandonment.
It fades.
2. Name your needs
Quietly, gently, without apology.
Let them exist.
3. Tolerate micro-disappointment
The world doesn’t end when someone is mildly displeased.
Your nervous system needs proof.
4. Create boundaries before burnout
You don’t earn rest by collapsing.
5. Stop explaining
A boundary doesn’t need a biography.
6. Redefine “nice”
Nice is often just fear in pretty clothing.
7. Move toward reciprocity
Choose people who meet you - not people who drain you.
8. Tell the truth
Even when your voice trembles.
Even when no one taught you how.
Returning to Yourself
People-pleasing is the art of disappearing in slow motion.
Healing is the art of returning - to your voice, your limits, your identity, your integrity.
You become powerful the moment you realise:
You don’t need to be chosen if you’re no longer abandoning yourself.
Because the real you - the unperformed, unfiltered, unedited version - is far more compelling than the one who worked so hard to be acceptable.
Authenticity doesn’t cost connection.
It creates it.