For the women who wait

A therapist’s guide to the man who runs, retreats, and returns

There are women who wait, not because they lack dignity, but because they love with an intensity that refuses to give up on potential.

And there are men who run, not because they don’t feel, but because feeling exposes a part of them they have never learned to face.

This essay is for both of them.

But mostly it’s for you, the woman who tries to love an avoidant man with a depth he is not yet built to hold.

PART I - THE CYCLE

Pursuit → Panic → Retreat → Return

Avoidant men move through relationships in predictable psychological phases.

You didn’t imagine the pattern. It’s real.

1. Pursuit

He’s present, engaged, attentive.

Charming. Warm. Available.

This is the version of himself he wishes he were.

2. Panic

Your presence awakens feelings he cannot regulate.

He begins to overthink, withdraw, analyse.

Intimacy flips into threat.

3. Retreat

Silence. Numbing. Distance.

He becomes unreachable - to you and to himself.

This is his “shutdown phase.”

4. Return

Not because he has grown.

Because the internal tension shifts.

He misses the emotional nourishment he rejected.

This cycle is not romantic.

It’s neurological.

PART II - WHAT HIS SILENCE ACTUALLY MEANS

It is NOT:

✘ punishment

✘ disinterest

✘ rejection

✘ clarity

✘ emotional superiority

It IS:

✔ shame

✔ fear of being truly seen

✔ emotional overstimulation

✔ difficulty integrating closeness

✔ identity confusion

✔ fear of disappointing you

✔ a collapse of internal structure

✔ a retreat into numbing behaviours

✔ a belief he must “fix himself” alone

✔ a protective reflex learned in childhood

Avoidance is a nervous system response,

not a commentary on your worth.

PART III - WHY HE GOES TO OTHER WOMEN

Avoidant men often split love into categories:

the woman who moves him and the woman who doesn’t threaten him.

This is not about superiority.

It’s about psychology.

He gravitates toward “low-intimacy companions” because:

  • they don’t challenge his identity

  • they don’t require depth

  • they don’t mirror his wounds

  • they allow him to stay unexamined

  • they keep the relationship simple, aesthetic, predictable

  • they don’t activate his deeper feelings

These women are emotionally convenient.

They fit the life he wants to appear to live,

not the life he is capable of living.

He chooses them not because they are “better” but because they are easier to hide from.

PART IV — WHY HE RETURNS

He does not return because he suddenly understands your worth.

He returns because he has rotated into a different identity phase.

Men like this come back when they are:

  • lonely

  • bored

  • emotionally hungover

  • disappointed by distraction

  • freshly rejected

  • in a shame spiral

  • in a reflective (or sober) window

  • craving the emotional depth they ran from

  • tired of their own superficial cycles

  • longing for the peace only you offered

His return is not transformation.

It is relief-seeking.

Avoidant men do not evolve in silence.

They reset.

PART V - THE MYTH OF “HE JUST NEEDS TIME”

This is the lie most women cling to.

Avoidant men do NOT find clarity in distance.

They find:

  • numbness

  • suppression

  • temporary calm

  • rationalisation

  • distraction

  • self-avoidance

  • substitutive connections

  • false certainty

He doesn’t heal away from you.

He hides from himself.

PART VI - FOR THE WOMEN WHO WAIT

You waited because you loved deeply.

Because you sensed his potential.

Because you hoped your stability would encourage his courage.

But here’s the psychological truth:

**You didn’t trigger his retreat. You illuminated it.**

Your emotional presence activated:

  • his shame

  • his lack of identity

  • his fear of adulthood

  • his fragmentation

  • his discomfort receiving love

  • his inability to integrate sex + love

  • his belief he is unworthy of secure affection

  • his fear of hurting you

  • his fear of being known

  • his fear of becoming the man he could be

You didn’t break him.

You revealed him.

PART VII — WHAT TO DO WHEN HE RETURNS

Here is the part women are never taught but must learn:

When he returns, he is vulnerable, not transformed.

Do NOT:

✘ collapse

✘ forgive instantly

✘ perform emotional CPR

✘ assume readiness

✘ fill in the emotional gaps

✘ romanticise his reappearance

✘ restart the cycle without change

Instead:

✔ observe consistency

✔ assess identity (not intensity)

✔ watch the emotional follow-through

✔ stay grounded

✔ ask yourself what YOU need

✔ remember the cost of the last retreat

✔ take your time

✔ stay on your throne

And most importantly:

You are not his emotional rehabilitation centre.

PART VIII — THE HARD TRUTH

Avoidant men don’t lose women because they loved too little.

They lose women because they didn’t grow enough.

He didn’t run from you.

He ran from the version of himself he would have to become to meet you properly.

And one day, when the distractions have dulled and the identities have worn thin and the shiny companions no longer soothe his emptiness, he will realise the woman he kept returning to was the woman he was never ready for.

That is the quiet devastation avoidance always teaches too late.

Lucy Dows